Oh, how the lovely romantic entanglements we have can also be heartbreaking. (I know, I know, women confuse physical stuff with love all the time. He’ll ignore my texts until he wants to talk to me. Background: When it comes to communicating verbally about matters of the heart, The Centaur is not great. As the rest of the festival crowd seemed to fade away from our fleeting, intimate, bubble of mutual adoration, I revealed to him what I call him to my friends too. And then, I could swear I saw his chest puff just a little, he rocked back on his heels, and nodded.
Sharing each other’s presence, I got more of a sense of his vulnerability and intimacy than I get from most people ever. In between dates, we have been practically strangers to each other. (In hindsight, red flag, obviously – be careful when somebody picks you up on the street! It was endearing and revealing to learn what he calls me and to see his reaction to my secret name for him. My head spun a little with surprise and delight at this unusual, for him, self-revelation and the awkward attempt at a compliment. I like it so much I almost want to trade out the name Molly Undercover for it! When ‘Wild Animal Man’ moves on, as I’m sure he will sooner or later, I’ve decided I get to keep this nickname. ‘Wild Animal Man’ came from another friend who exclaimed that he was a wild animal when I recounted to her how he’d curled up one weeknight right on my front porch and fell asleep, snoring like an bear, feet sticking eighteen inches off the porch furniture.
I rode away with Tim feeling both smug and disconcerted. That his weakness is that he is unavailable, uncommitted, unkind. I feel I ‘get’ his behavior, and if it’s inexusable, then I am also inexcusable, for he’s more I know someone who kisses the way a flower opens, but more rapidly. What about having a ‘relationship’ where domestic life can be shared, that is recognized in the public sphere? Shit, that allows ME to be recognized as someone’s important lady in the public sphere? Isn’t that long term relationship the ‘right’ thing to do, that all romance movie plots slide down into in the end? As I was leaving the nightmare awkward date, above, I looked to my right and realized The Centaur had been sitting there the whole time, hearing every word. Adonis is a dashing, motorcycle-riding, vintage-car restoring pilot; he’s my age, but an old soul. He’s splendid, with a confident swagger, broad shoulders, strong jaw, perfect stubble, luscious lips, and multicolored green-blue-brown eyes.
What about going home to someone and talking about your day, or getting to know someone’s flaws and loving them still, the way you do in a committed relationship? Do I have to choose, or can I have passion AND stability? When he gets up to go to the bathroom I decide to risk asking him about his politics when he returns. All I can think about is how people in earshot must be so annoyed to have to listen to our attempt to connect. This was before we’d ever gone out but after I’d met him, decided I thought he was super cute, and asked him for his number. He’s a muse, who inspires me to live an elegant, beautiful life.
It’s early summer and we have tons of plans with family for the Fourth of July.
I also have weeks of vacation saved up at work, and only need to make a plan in order to be on the road somewhere. But for some reason, I am having a terrible time committing to any particular plan for weekend trips or longer vacations. On the surface, it’s just indecision, but if I sit with my feelings a little bit I realize I’m feeling alone.
This was a thrilling, magical broadening of perspective on my region and myself.
As I observed him in his element, I also began to learn what a physical and mental and dance it is to fly a vintage small craft. For me, learning something new and getting out of my own element is my comfort zone. He decided he wanted to try landing on grass, and warned that it could feel bumpy but would be fine. Does it take a lovely man to make me feel so alive? Why can’t I learn to inspire others as much or more than Adonis had inspired me?
I actually like it, because of the escape, and the passion. I went with Tim for a fun mom-and-kid breakfast–after all, Adonis doesn’t own the place, and I wanted some avocado toast on sourdough, damnit! It’s a tough world out there, and if there’s something that brings you comfort and hurts no one, by all means, you do You! I arrived at a music festival knowing I’d see him there. That’s the only way I know how to describe the goofy look on his usually distant face. The brief expansion of our verbal exchanges ended there.
He’s just a captivating guy I’ve dated with absolutely zero promises, and good for him. In my opinion, it is actually not cool or very nice to ignore people you are on good terms with and even less nice if they’re an object of your affections. As Tim and I stood out front messing with our bicycles, I did what I probably shouldn’t have; I glanced back in the restaurant window to see if I was being seen. -Mary Oliver, It is an appreciation of beauty, life and pleasure that takes my breath away. Maybe he’s living his life honestly but trying not to overthink. If I had to choose right now, for all time, whether I wanted a string of enchanting dream dates without attachment, or a stable, serious, long-term, monogamous relationship, I’d chose the former, hands down! This time, I saw him just as I was rubbing handwash all over my hands with a grossed-out face after leaving the Porta Potty. Like the best dreams, it stands alone, carrying no obligation to the future and needing no memory of the past.
This morning, as Tim and I walked by and he waited for a table, he buried his head in some reading material, the brim of his hat jauntily hiding his divine, Greek godly face. But, it’s a complicated thing, to show that recognition in public, with other entanglements present. I almost turned into a pillar of salt; the lovely lady was gazing over her shoulder at me! Had he gone through all of the same activities of the dream date he and I had shared, but with her, the night before? Was I just a passive subject in his self-absorbed Adonis Show? And even if so, god that was fun and I don’t care that much. This is a quality I want for myself, more and more. After all, he’s never lied or broken a promise to me. But here’s where I get complicated, Debbie Downer and cerebral: 1) It takes a lot of energy for me to get past that ‘squirm’ at something like what happened today. Abruptly, his face turned away from me, his left hand sliding up to mouth. While I want to recount dates like this to all my closest friends and family at length, the audience of who actually cares is limited. My single friends might misconstrue and think I’m engaging in obnoxious one-upmanship. I want to re-hash this all, caught up in the romance and fantasy of it.
I made sure I was on my game, beauty-wise, as I usually try to do these days. I was looking cute in a woodsy-hippie kind of way (lace-up sandals and and a thrift store bohemian dress). He is very tall, with broad shoulders and sinewy limbs. His head was back, and he was half-grinning and looking at me as if he’d never seen me before in his life. The rest of the scene faded out and I was visually, olfactorily and physically fixated on his undomesticated presence and let him pull me close. But we danced, listened to music and partied with friends in the woods.
You never know who you’ll see out and about in my city and I also just enjoy myself better if I feel proud of my appearance. And yet, it’s kind of fair; he couldn’t have been sure I wouldn’t be weird, wouldn’t do something uncouth or dramatic. Chocolate chip eyes, olive complexion, a mess of dark, long wild hair all over the place. I always get a little flustered when I see him and do weird stuff like spilling beer all over him, having awkward first dates with other men while sitting next to The Centaur the whole time, tripping over my feet like an idiot or accidentally sending him texts about himself meant for my besties. Later, I went up to the front of the crowd to enjoy the last band. He said something to me along the lines of “My friend wanted to know who I was flirting with and I was like ‘Oh, that’s just Mama Bear’ and she was like, ‘THAT’S Mama Bear? I had such a good time, and I will never forget the night, even long after the Wild Animal is gone, which he surely will be some day.